Posted by Lii
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

-Ryco-
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Posted by MD
You don't.

You just go insane and hope that the damage isn't permanent.

~random post by Zi Ying~
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Posted by MD
(clears throat and straightens tie)
Hello there. yours truly - Resident Loudmouth (why am I even using this identity anyway?) - has been MIA (that's Missing In Action) for quite a while from the outside civillisation and during her brief period of abscense came up with 20 more original passing tactics in PMR to complement Liiyung's post quite some time ago. This whole post would start with the number 51 as a continuous to Liiyung's 50 Passing tactics in OMR.

(pauses and uses hyper tone)
Oh LOOKIE! Some dude posted a comment on our CBOX! Some dude we.... Don't even know. Who claims to be crazy. Whoopee.

(quick random disclaimer announcer person tone)
None of the bloggers of this blog shall be held personally responsible for your failing results as a result of following excatly what this post attempts to encourage you to do.

51. Throw an epileptic fit (or just jerk and flail limbs about wildly if you don't know what epileptic means) about 30 minutes into the exam.

52. Fake a cardiac arrest the moment you enter the classroom.

53. Do your exam paper as usual. Then, as you leave the classroom, announce loud enough for the whole class to hear: "I slept with the instructor last night. And it was good." Run for your life.

54. About halfway through the exam, strip yourself down to your undergarments (or your birthday suit, if you're extremely shameless). Continue on with the paper as if nothing happened. 15 minutes later, slam your hand on the table (loudly) and yell: "Which one of you bastards took my clothes?!"

55. Stand up and scream as if you were possessed by evil spirits every five minutes.

56. For every question you can answer, break out in a hallelujah chorus. For every question you can't answer, sing a funeral oratorio. Do this until you are physically removed from the classroom.

57. Have a conversation with your left and right shoulders. say things like: "Bob (to right shoulder), I KNOW that Dexter is distracting me. Do something about it!" "DEXTER! (to left shoulder) STOP SAYING 'EAT ZE COOKIE' in that German accent! There ARE no cookies here!" "BOB! YOU'RE THE ANGEL! STOP THROWING PIECES OF YOUR CLOUD AT DEXTER!" Keep this up until the asylum arrives with a straitjacket.

58. Chant biblical sounding things (make things up if you have to). Force the instructor to pay respects/homage to your dying grades when she demands to know what you're up to.

59. Exam paper. Window. Get them 'acquainted' with each other. You catch my drift?

60. Pretend to choke and to be unable to breathe. When questioned tell the instructor that your ancient relatives were the victims of the holocaust and that you're honouring them by pretending to choke in a gas chamber.

61. Drool on your paper.

62. Play paintball with your friend in the classroom opposite the classroom you're in.

63. Bring police officers in. Have they demand that everyone be strip searched.

64. Colour the blanks of your objective paper so that it spells out the words FUCK YOU. Make sure that the message gets across crystal clear.

65. Begin answering EVERY opinionated question with something like: "In my opinion, I should get full marks regardless of whatever answer I put. This is a fucked up question, but let's not let one fuck up fuck up my results, shall we agree on that?" Be as creative and vulgar as possible.

66. Tie everything you write in your essay to
a) the horrible state of politics in the country
b) how you're gonna achieve world domination

67. Answer all history questions with: "History has shown that our government today is messing up what our forefathers fought for." OR "Who cares about history? It's just some boring old story about some dead guy. We're the leaders of the FUTURE!!!"

68. Do a striptease on the table after you complete the paper.

69. Hug your favourite old soft toy (or bolster, pillow, blanket etc) as you sit for your exam. Tell your instructor that having something familiar near you when stressed out helps you to think. Challenge her to show you a rule in the rule book against 'familiar surroundings'.

70. Chant mantras to the dead as you work. Your deceased grandmother deserves to know about your going-ons.
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Posted by Melissa
In prison and at work.

In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

In prison, you get three (free) meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

In prison, you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with even more work.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock all the doors yourself.

In prison, you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, you get your own toilet.
At work, you have to share.

In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
At work, you pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Humm?
Which sounds better?

-

Hope this entertained you :P
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Posted by MD
CURIOUSITY KILLED THE CAT. SATISFACTION BROUGHT IT BACK.
IF THE CAT'S ALREADY HALFWAY OUT THE BAG, JUST PULL THE DAMN FELINE OUT.
NEVER EVER SIT ON A PORCUPINE.
DON'T SHAKE HANDS WITH A LOBSTER.
DON'T BRING A CENTIPEDE SHOE SHOPPING.
XD

Ok, that was all just for effect.
***
Ever heard of the saying: "there is more than one way to skin a cat"?
I think it means, there is more than one way to something.

Things is, how do you skin a cat? Answer: you use a knife.

Any other ways? Of course! Just be creative.
You can pump air into a cat through it's mouth/anus (whichever you prefer)
till it's skin bursts off.
You can scare the skin off a cat.
You can bomb a cat to remove it's skin. (although you'd just remove
it's everything)
You can whack a cat against the wall until it's skin falls off.
You can burn the skin off a cat's back.
You can use friction against that poor little feline.

Thing is, none of these methods are really effective. And here's the catch. Even IF it does work, when you skin something, obviously you'd want the skin to be in good shape right?

Can you guarantee me that the cat's skin would be in good shape after you bomb it off the cat? I don't think so. Which leads to the question. What do people want cat skin for???

I mean, I can understand people wanting tiger fur (or all those exotic fur). Not saying that I'm advocating it, but still. What on Earth do you need cat skin for???

Fine. Perhaps you found out that cat skin is really effective for health. Perhaps cat skin is the newer alternative instead of tiger fur. Perhaps cat skin can be used to stop global warming. Perhaps it's the newest technology that will be able to keep us alive when doomsday hits.

Or perhaps you're just some crazy sadistic person who likes torturing cats.

Which brings me to this other matter. How can you prove that the way that you're gonna skin the cat will be really humane?

Think about it. I just proved that the saying: "There's more than one way to skin a cat" is really really dumb.

So put the cat and the knife down and stick your hands up in the air. Before I report you to SPCA for animal cruelty.
***
NOTE TO FELLOW BLOG OWNERS:
Mel. Liiyung. And both of you update this blog as well? I think Gabrina is sick of reading my crap and only my crap. Thank you XD

~ResidentLoudmouth:ZiYing~
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